Marriage and a brief encounter with a friends ignorant sister

I have been in some kind of D vs. R, G vs. S, L vs. R with a friend and now his family is getting involved. His baby sister wrote a response directed at me and of course, I got fired up. Turns out me and my friend can look past these things in fact we can even see the other's point of view at times. But I don't want to drag the rest of his family into it. So, I am responding to her here in the name of decency and maturity. Although these issues do resonate within me deeply, I have always desired to be decent in conversations with adversaries and mature in times of great agony and anger.


Dear Liz,
The definition of Marriage is the unity of a man and a woman. Period. You cannot change definitions. Just because you want to completely switch a definition's meaning (eg. Amylase is the enzyme that breaks down starch. To: Catalase and amylase are the enzymes that break down starch.) will NOT make your new definition right. There is nobody stopping gay people from loving their partners. It is obvious and great that a woman can truly love another woman (and man a man), HOWEVER, they cannot share in the SACRAMENT (ever heard of that word?) of marriage. It is utilized and only celebrated by a man and woman and shall not be diluted by those of the same sex. Furthermore, marriage is solely based on religion, which is separate from government. Hereby you have no case.
Clint, Nice post. Love you much. Miss you tons! Still working on coming to visit - I got a job (bartending and catering at a high-end tavern on the river, it's a beautiful place) and am starting to save up! It might just be me now that the democrats are going to tax dad up the ass and he wont be able to send the whole fam. Hope you figure that heating system out!!
November 22, 2008 8:20 PM


MY REPLY:
First, Clint has told me awesome things about you. I (still)look forward to meeting you.
You say: "Furthermore, marriage is solely based on religion, which is separate from government. Hereby you have no case."
I ask: Read below, what do any of these benefits have to do with religion? These are all benefits bestowed upon a married couple by their government.

I cut and paste: The following material was provided by the Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund. It is used by permission. The list below was compiled for a couple living in the United States. However, similar provisions exist in many other countries.
On the order of 1,400 legal rights are conferred upon married couples in the U.S. Typically these are composed of about 400 state benefits and over 1,000 federal benefits. Among them are the rights to:

• joint parenting;
• joint adoption;
• joint foster care, custody, and visitation (including non-biological parents);
• status as next-of-kin for hospital visits and medical decisions where one partner is too ill to be competent;
• joint insurance policies for home, auto and health;
• dissolution and divorce protections such as community property and child support;
• immigration and residency for partners from other countries;
• inheritance automatically in the absence of a will;
• joint leases with automatic renewal rights in the event one partner dies or leaves the house or apartment;
• inheritance of jointly-owned real and personal property through the right of survivorship (which avoids the time and expense and taxes in probate);
• benefits such as annuities, pension plans, Social Security, and Medicare;
• spousal exemptions to property tax increases upon the death of one partner who is a co-owner of the home;
• veterans' discounts on medical care, education, and home loans;
• joint filing of tax returns;
• joint filing of customs claims when traveling;
• wrongful death benefits for a surviving partner and children;
• bereavement or sick leave to care for a partner or child;
• decision-making power with respect to whether a deceased partner will be cremated or not and where to bury him or her;
• crime victims' recovery benefits;
• loss of consortium tort benefits;
• domestic violence protection orders;
• judicial protections and evidentiary immunity;
• and more....

Most of these legal and economic benefits cannot be privately arranged or contracted for. For example, absent a legal (or civil) marriage, there is no guaranteed joint responsibility to the partner and to third parties (including children) in such areas as child support, debts to creditors, taxes, etc. In addition, private employers and institutions often give other economic privileges and other benefits (special rates or memberships) only to married couples. And, of course, when people cannot marry, they are denied all the emotional and social benefits and responsibilities of marriage as well.

Me again: Also, why is this issue continually brought to the polls through ballot initiatives and legislative rulings? The issue is being decided through only governmental-avenues. This issue has everything to do with our legislative government. If the issue is "solely based on religion" I would think it be bothersome that Jews, Muslims, atheists, Buddhists, etc. were allowed to vote on the topic.

And yes, I've heard of Sacrament. If that were the only benefit/celebration of marriage, I wouldn't even want it.

conservatism vs. liberalism and prop-8

I can admit, as the ripe age of 26, that finally I am feeling something. I am feeling something political. Something that has yet only grazed me, nicked me, or missed me entirely. Why have I waited so long? Well, I'm privledged. I have secluded myself to the wilderness for the last 4 years and have not been surrounded by people with serious opinions on the subject, until now.
Now, I'm stationed in Italy. Surrounded by a very interesting population of people. People that are studying this topic, following the economy, politics, etc. A good friend of mine (as close as you can get when your pool of friends is severely limited) is a staunch conservative. I like talking to him because I get fired up. So here we go.

He is a firm believer in old conservative values. He doesn't beleive that gays should be allowed to marry, or really even exist. This dumbfounds me most days, especially today. He wrote a blog about his opinions on the Obama election victory and the prop-8 victory. Most of the blog was about the "horrible loss" his "team" had suffered. He tried to explain that was because it was full of old white men. He liked Sarah Palin and all her new-ness, she was the new face of the republican party. It seems that he is not the only person who beleives this. Palin has been gracing the cover of magazines, talk shows, and news programs since November 5th. I agree the republican party could use a face-lift. However, I don't think the only thing the Democratic canidate had going for himself was a fresh-face. It had a ton of money. The same thing the supporters of prop-8 had. Both movements also had a very well designed dialogue and serious powers of persuasion. It's all psycology.

Enough about the young flamboyant republican. What about the fact that prop-8 did actually pass? Has human decency come to an all time-low? How is this any different than african-american marriages being unlawful, inter-racial couples? I am certain that this will not be the final attempt to allow homosexuals the same rights as heterosexuals. In fact, I feel hopeful that I will see such rights granted in my life-time. But, right now we have an underground current of hatred (in both directions) that is shameful. I firmly believe that there will be no ill-effects on the heterosexual marriage if opportunity is granted for gays. What possibly could change? What is at the heart of marriage anyway? All this time I thought it was love. Now I realize it must not be. It must be something elite, something that is bought and contrived. If heterosexuals keep it for themselves, if its only for a certain few, than marraige is not what it purports to be. This is the way that many african americans felt when only whites could marry. This is the way inter-racial couples felt when they could not marry. I am not sure what they are afraid of. More people bonded by love? Or, are heterosexuals afraid of what happens when less people feel marginalized. It's always better for you if you know you are at the top and people can't have what you have. It ensures your power. That is psycology.

What's New

I'm in Italy. Bologna, Italy. Here they call bologna Mortadella. It is more delicious here than the oscar meyer brand. I hope to keep you more updated here are some photos for now. Ciao!

Red Hatters

So, early retirement (from Outward Bound) hasn't slowed me down or made me a homebody. No, I got out today. In fact, I spent my day with some maturing, somewhat sassy, ole' ladies. These weren't just any ole' ladies and I wasn't meerly hanging out. They had a strict fashion doctrine that only allowed them to wear any RED HAT they could find and their clothes had to be some shade (preferably 'royal') of purple. Yes, that's right I spent my day with the Southern Tier of NY chapter of the Red Hat Society. They were having a luncheon at The LOOM, my father's "space for any occasion" and odly, his retirement project. What was I doing there? Well, I was any of the following roles at any given time: greeter, muscles, waitress, sous-chef, daughter, entertainment manager, janitor and dishwasher. Here's a run-down of the day's events.

The spokeswoman for the red-hatter's, as they are casually refered to, shows up at 9:15 with a mini-van full of fake flowers, the kind one aquires at desperate moments in Michael's sale bins, assorted gift baskets all put together by herself likely and include years of undesirable and otherwise dusty accoutrements and redhat recipe cards. I think I caught a glimps of a crocheted trivet in the shape and style of an elephant. She also toted along with her a few, 20 or so, old lace curtains in lavender, coral blue, mint, and hotpink. She used these, with my help and some scissors, to make the every table spread incredibly tacky and super-busy. But hey, these ladies don't get out much, fun is fun. The ladies showed up 4, or so, at a time, bought their raffle tickets, and took to their assigned seats. I noticed many styles of red hat, none two the same. My favorite was the red poker visor and I wondered what the hatters do on the weekends or this woman was an adjunct memeber of the Las Vegas chapter. Also some Southwestern inspired Scala cowgirl redhats were dawned. None were finer and more ornate than Sheryls, she was the hostess, but also the most spirited member of the group which was exhibited not only in her hat but in her willingness to take the stage and sing out the red hatter's official song, sung to the tune of "when the saints go marching in"

They dinned exquisetly on a tomatoe basil bisque followed by finger sandwiches an quiche. The desserts seemed to never end and spanned an entire 8 ft. table buttoned down the center with a punch that was (shhhhh!) spiked by the host red-hatter, Sheryl. They ladies also got shnockered off the two bottles of "Foxy Lady" wine placed at every table. Foxy Lady advertises their wine with, whoda guesed it, a woman in a red hat and a purple shirt. I think there is coporate sponsorship here.

I was serving the ladies their meals and bussing their dishes when they began the raffle portion of the day. Their were roughly 15 gift bags and boxes, all donated by Sheryl, to give away. The tickets cost around 5 dollars and most women bought 10 or so of them. I take this opportunity to pause my hurried busing and watch. Sheryl begins pulling numbers from her ornate basket. "first numbers are 765, everyone has those, and the last numbers are 4...2...2." silence. "4...2...2, anyone have 4...2...2?" Only the sound of rummaging was in the air as the women sifted through their enormous bags to find their magnafying glasses. "O.K. Ladies someone has to have this number, 4...2...2, anyone?" Finally a giggle escapes a woman who seems to have lost some of her powers of deduction, "Oh, yes. Thats me, I have it!" Wonderful, I thought. Now that their warmed up for this raffle ticket the rest should go off with out a hitch. Well, was I wrong. Gradually the ladies would lift their creeking bodies into a posture fit for walking and shuffle their way over to the table to pick out the gift that suited them best. There seemed to be no shame is rearranging the contents of each package in accordance with their liking. The would also see no harm in taking out things they didn't want and leave the discarded gifts on the table. Strange, I thought. One woman who was obviously savvy enough to take advantage of the hearing/reading/listening/raffle ticket impaired would claim the number so frequently that by the end of the raffle I had seen her go to the table at least 4 times. Lucky, I guess.

All in all what a fine day I had working with the Red Hat organization. I thought, I should get my mother involved in this, and hell, maybe someday I could be a member. I've always been fond of red and my zodiac sign claims the color purple. Has something to do with royalty. There is nothing more regal than taking the opportunity for self-enhancement by reorganizing your gift bag to give you the best outcome, who cares what the other lady gets.

We cleaned up and ushered the ladies out. I went down to the bar and tested out all my dad's new bartending equipment, just to make sure that a quality drink came with the L.O.O.M. name. I took a delightful sip of my G & T and congratualted myself on a job well done. Maybe, Red Hatting is in my future, I thought.

So here it is August in Northern Minnesota. If you, for some strange reason, lived without any calendar or contact with the world of dates and times of year, you would know very well that it was August. A few very particular things happen here namely, the biting bugs (mosquitoes and black flies) die out. Read here: what a relief! Also, the light becomes quite a bit more golden, the rain clouds don't build up so much, and the nights are quite crisp with endless star filled skies. You may even catch a glimpse of the aurora borealis, a phenomenon that captures the imagination and leaves everyone asking, "how and why does that happen?" Personally, I can't answer that question. Sometimes I just answer the atmosphere is farting. I figure since it has a lot to do with gas I am almost right.

Also at the end of summer comes the end of the long work and the beginning of short (one-week) contract course with groups of people who already know each other and have a connection prior to their OB course. The one I'm working is for a program called Upward Bound, catchy eh? Wonder where they came up with their name? The students are all high school sophomores who, if they complete the program, they will receive partial or full scholarships to the University of Minnesota. Pretty cool deal. My understanding is they have to do summer school and accelerated classes. Also these kids are first generation college attendees, meaning their parents have not attended college. They are a very diverse group of kids, we have a Hmong girl, Muslim, Latino, Ethiopian, Asian, and American. One thing is true on an OB course; you can take people from all over the world but they will all love the mac and cheese. No problem.

Personally, I'm pooped. I have to pack to move out of the cabin I lived in here with Jayne. Her stuff, besides some random clothes, is already gone, she drove it to Houston about 4 weeks ago now. I have to fly home to NY and have two large bags that have to fit all my stuff. I am pretty sure I am going to be blindsided by the rule of thumb that packing always takes extraordinarily long and one should begin as soon as they can, not wait until the last minute. Trying to fit time to rest, pack, swim, watch the Olympics, and connect with folks is very challenging. Next time I talk to you it will be from NY. Enjoy your last days of summer! Fall is such a cool transition but for many it means back to the grind. take time to enjoy it.

All girls course

Here's to being an adolescent female. What a strange and difficult time. I can only remember a few snippits of pain and embarrassment from my own. Now I know why its not all so crystal clear, because it was the worst time of my life, and in order to move and deal I had to do some healthy blocking out. I think they all do, the people that make it that is. The permanent scars though, do travel with us. I think some injuries incurred on this four week adventure with six girls and two female instructors that may last a life time. The time people have on their Outward Bound course is so vivid it can stay present for a while, at least that has been my experience. A few photos here display their good times. Every time the camera came out, it was a good time. For me, every time I had a few sips of coffee it was a good time.

Each day it was a different play with different characters. We had many different characters, from the bully to the nurturer and from mom to sister. It was a roller coaster of emotion and drama. Luckily, I can say at the end, the very end, it all turned around. Many girls "got it", it being what we had been trying to teach them since day one. Many girls had "Ah-ha" moments. The kind when it all clicks and you finally understand why it is you are where you are, when you are there. These Ah-Ha's kind of explain your destiny in a way that you can understand and have ownership in. It's a whimsical idea to think that we have no say in our destiny, that is the idea isn't it? I would say that we have a ton of say in where we end up, and how we are when we are there. Hopefully these girls understood that a bit more after their course than before.

But, back to the bully character. If you work with teens in any capacity or expecting to have one at some point, I recommend a book by Barbara Colorosi, "The Bully, Bullied, and the Bystander." Another insightful read is about solely raising girls is "Reviving Ophelia, saving the selves of adolescent girls". These books have really helped me do my job, which is not motherhood, but has some close relation for a month at a time. Here's what Reviving Opehia Author encourages girls to do:

- Develop a 'hate it but do it' center in their brain that will help them meet long-term goals.
- Imagine themselves on good dates with respectful guys who are interested in where they wanted to go and what they wanted to do. The date should last all evening and include compliments, talk and fun.
- Learn positive ways to be independent.
- Keep diaries.
- Write poetry.
- Observe the culture with the eyes of an anthropologist in a strange society. What kinds of women and men are respected in this culture? What body shapes are considered ideal?
- Learn how to manage pain. Mixed up behavior often comes from unprocessed pain. She teaches girls to sit with their pain, listen to it rather than run from it.
- Learn the joy of altruism. Do good deeds for neighbors.
- Learn how to be independent from parents and stay emotionally connected to them.
- Develop passions and stress-relieving habits, like reading, playing piano, sports.

Maybe these tips can help even us grown up girls.

It will be awhile

I'm off to the Boundary Waters for 21 days. I will be joined by seven youth. There is a potential these youth will all be young women. There is potential I will have a female co-instructor. There is potential for high winds, long rains, and clouds of blood-sucking bugs. There is potential for breath-taking sunsets, best cups of coffee, and tear-filled belly laughter. There is potential for strong emotion and discontent. There is potential for hurt feelings and sorrow. There is also potential for rebirth, enlightning discussion, and moments of inspiration. This is my job. This is my passion. This is how I say, better, not more. Closer not more distant. Love and forgiveness not distrust and dispair.

Could the entire world be watching me I would not falter. It is my mission to make this world better.